A pOcKeTfUl Of SuNsHiNe

Just A Deam

2010-09-26T12:27:00.000-07:00

Reflecting back on my experiences in India it feels as though it was only just a dream. Recently I've been humbled in many ways. I started to forget the lessons and experiences I had learned in India and started to get wrapped up in material things and worldly desires. In a matter of weeks my car was keyed, my laptop was stolen and my brand new iPhone broke! Initially, I was pretty bummed out. I thought, "why me", and felt incredibly ungrateful. Among other trials I was facing I felt overwhelmed and lonely. This brought me back to India and the many nights I spent alone on the roof of the hostel. These nights were often filled with tears of heartache and loneliness. They usually ended with me on my knees praying to my Heavenly Father. It's interesting how different my trials are now from those in India but the feeling of loneliness is universal. Typically I would go downstairs and tuck the children into bed, or just hold a child for an hour, rocking him to sleep. For that moment all my problems would go away. Living the upbeat college life and living in a college town there aren't many kids within close proximity. My new favorite thing is to go for a drive or a walk and just ponder out the questions I have in my mind. I feel ashamed for the privileged life I have and for ever being ungrateful. Sometimes I feel as though the more you have the less you acknowledge the blessings you have in your life. It's as though you take everything for granted. I just want to feel fulfilled at the end of each day like I did in India. It's hard going from dedicating your entire being to serving others and forgetting about your own needs and desires to living a life where it's all about "me". I guess the best thing I can do is be the best me I can possibly be. I want to love everyone around me like I did in India and like the children loved one another. Most importantly, I want to emulate the light the children brought into my life and shed light unto those around me. You know those people that walk into a room and they make it brighter just by being there? I want that. I want to leave this world a brighter and happier place. I want to be happy beyond measure and I want to bring that to those around me. I feel so blessed that I was able to go to India and have the experiences I had. I will never forget the impact India had on my life and I look forward to the day that I can return.

Rising Star Outreach Blitz Week

2010-03-23T18:47:00.000-07:00

I'm finally back! After living in California for two months, dropping my twin sister off at the MTC, moving back to Utah and adjusting to "normal" life, I'm excited to be involved with Rising Star again! As of tomorrow, March 24, we are having a Rising Star blitz week. The purpose is to recruit volunteers for the summer sessions. We will have a booth at the Wilk on BYU campus for the next week and we'll be passing out fliers and answering any questions people might have. If you have been to Rising Star please spread the word because spots for the summer sessions are filling fast. Also, don't forget that Amy Antonelli, the executive director of Rising Star, is coming to BYU to speak on "Lessons from the Leprosy Colonies of India". Her lecture is this Thursday, March 25th at 11 am in B-192 JFSB. Do not miss out on this opportunity to hear her speak! She truly is one of the most unbelievable people I have ever met. Her experiences and stories will inspire you to view life in an entirely different light. If you have any questions just email me at nicoleprzybyla@gmail.com. I love you all and thank you for all that you do!

Finally

2009-12-26T11:35:00.000-08:00

Merry Christmas! I've been home almost three weeks and I finally feel ready to revisit India and reflect on the changes I have felt since I left. Even though I've been home for a short time it feels like India was only a dream, like it happened an eternity ago. Since I've been home I find myself feeling much more grateful for all that I have. Hot baths. Food that doesn't consist of curry or rice. Family. Music. Apparently Miley Cyrus got famous while I was gone! (And she has a super cute boyfriend!) It's so surreal being home. I've felt bored. Finally I can sleep in and I haven't been able to. I feel a lot less accomplished at the end of the day, mind you I'm in holiday mode and I'm not working yet, but I'm not used to having "free time". Most importantly, I feel happy. Despite the free time and missing the children at Rising Star, I feel ready to embark on the next chapter in my life. Whether it's serving a mission or returning to school, I'm so excited for what my future holds. Reflecting back on how India came about and the fact that I initially arrived in India with the intention of staying three weeks and I ended up staying four months, I feel overwhelmed with gratitude and hope. When I was making the decision to stay I was incredibly stressed and anxious about what I was supposed to do with my life. Now looking at how everything played out I realize life always works out for the best as long as we believe. I feel like I'm the luckiest person alive. Life has become much more simple. I'm always the one to make things complicated when all I really need to do is live righteously and have faith in the journey. I always worry about the outcome but I've come to realize the adventure along the way is far more valuable than where it leads you, as long as your intentions are for good. The night I said goodbye to the children I'd never cried so hard in my life. At least twenty of the girls sat on the stairs with me as we balled our eyes out. I think they were more sad that I was sad than they were actually sad about me going because they kept wiping my tears away and telling me to be happy. The boys kept telling me I better go to America with a smile on my face. They'll never know how hard it's been for me to adjust and I'm glad for that. Their lives go on. They continue to smile at the little blessings they have in their lives. My sisters and brothers, the children at Rising Star, will always have a special place in my heart that I will treasure forever. I hope to one day return to Rising Star and reunite with my family. I don't think they will ever know the changes they made in my life. The children changed me for better. I came to India lost and the children found me. They unconditionally accepted me and made me more open to love and living. I hope the children live a life of happiness. I pray that they continue to pursue their education and most importantly I hope that they continue to believe in themselves. Their potential is unreal. I've seen them change lives, including their own. I'm so grateful for Rising Star and the opportunity it gives them to live up to their potential. When I return to Rising Star I hope that the children I was tutoring are the one's helping others learn to read and write. I hope to find them full of joy and positivity. Whether they remember me or not I know that they will never be forgotten because their faces and love will forever be engraved in my heart. My heart that they opened to the world. My heart that they healed.

Royalty

2009-11-25T20:33:00.000-08:00

The other day Annie and I went to a colony with Dr. Kumar. At first I was playing with the children and taking lots of pictures. The day started off easy and carefree. I noticed an elderly woman laying in the corner. She slept for at least half the time we were at the colony. Finally she got up and sat next to Dr. Kumar for her check-up. She struggled with her movement and began to cry. Her tears turned to sobs and she began to shake uncontrollably. We soon found out that she had been robbed the night before of her entire life's savings, about $140. She couldn't see straight. Her eyes were filled with sorrow. The money was for her funeral. She knew her time left was minimal and she wanted to have a proper burial. She left the room and fell to the ground outside. I sat with her and played with her gray hair. She kept grabbing my hand and squeezing it. She laid her head on my lap and began to calm down. Soon she was asleep. Once she awoke we walked together back to her home. Every few steps she would stop and squat down, unable to move quickly because of her hysteric state. When we arrived at her home I fetched her some water and she took her medicine. She then grabbed both my cheeks and kissed them. I've never been one for crying but in that moment my eyes swelled with water. As the tears streamed down my face she whiped them with her hands. I felt peace. I felt that Heavenly Father wanted me to be there, sitting, comforting, and loving his daughter who had been robbed of more than just her money. She had nothing and was robbed of everything she had saved. In that moment there wasn't a worry in the world. I felt the eternal perspective. I knew that although she had nothing materialistic, she had everything in God's eyes. She had love. She then said a prayer and looked up to the Heaven's, thanking her God, thanking our God. It was such a tender mercy and I will never forget the overwhelming feeling of joy I had in that moment. Matt left on Saturday. He was one of Rising Star's long-term employees. Annie left on Tuesday. Lucy's leaving next Monday and Maddie and I leave in two weeks. It's so crazy how fast time has gone here. It's been such a bitter/sweet watching the children say goodbye. It's amazing how sad they are in the moment and yet how easy it is for them to move on and continue their lives. They don't dwell on sadness, they savor the good things life has to offer. All too often I allow trials and heartache to impact me for a long period of time. The children have taught me to feel the pain and loss but to continue living life fully. They've learned at such a young age how to endure through life's most difficult moments. Whether they've lost both parents, a relative has suffered from leprosy, or they have no family at all, they move forward and make the best of every situation they are given. Rising Star has become their family. They all call each other "sister" and "brother". The day they included me in this family by calling me "sister" in Thamil was the day Rising Star truly felt like home. The other day I sat on a bench and observed the children at play. It's one of my favorite hobbies, people watching. I scanned from one group of children to the next. Whether the older children were helping the younger children with a game, or the children were playing tag and helping each other up when another child fell down, there was such love and care amongst all of them. It was so touching to watch. Yesterday I made crowns for the UKG and first standard children to decorate. Although I was a little overwhelmed by the forty pairs of hands grabbing at me and asking questions, it was a total success! Later that day I came out to play time and the children were still wearing their crowns. Joyce pointed out Aravind, one of our UKG boys, and his response to the crown. The moment I put it on his head, he beamed from ear to ear, with an expression of royalty written all over his cute face. I love it when the children feel their divinity and know how wonderful they truly are. Today's Thanksgiving. It doesn't feel like it because we certainly won't be eating turkey for dinner and I'm not with my family by blood, but I am happy to be here because I am surrounded by so many things that I am so grateful for.

Family

2009-11-16T21:53:00.000-08:00

The other day I went on a jog by myself. It had rained that morning and the trail I usually run on was completely empty. Four dogs came running at me full speed ahead, barking aggressively and looking at me like prey. I stopped running and said a prayer. They stopped and walked away. Now that I've been nearly attacked by dogs, ran past a snake, and been approached by two great danes, I'm starting to reconsider my morning exercise! Last week we went to a dedication at Pathway School. Pathway is a school for children with mental and learning disabilities, adult mental handicaps, and orphaned and destitute children of rural south India. Bishop Burton, the Presiding Bishop for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints came to speak, along with many of the donors and contributors to Pathway. It was amazing listening to the members of the Church and the Indian politics speak. What touched me the most was the different feeling I got between the speakers. The members of the Church expressed gratitude and spoke with sincerety and a calm voice. Many of the Indian speakers yelled into the microphone. I taught Relief Society on Sunday. I really struggled with the lesson. The topic was families and celestial marriage. It's really hard to discuss temple marriages when the closest temple is in Hong Kong. I can't wait for the day they build a temple in India. What a marvelous day that will be. There was only one woman in the room who had been sealed in the temple. She was an American. This lesson only reemphasized the importance of living righteously and not taking all that I have for granted. One of the first things I want to do when I go home is go to the temple. My experience will be different then it's ever been because it's been so long since I've gone and because now I know how precious it is to have a temple. This past Saturday was Children's Day. It's a holiday dedicated to children and games! All the standards played different games amongst each other. It was such a blast. They were so competitive and they loved it. I loved it. It rained on and off but that didn't even phase the children. They were playing and that was all that mattered. After a day full of games they had a catered meal. We all sat together and talked over good food and happy topics. Each day I grow more sad because it's another day closer to my departure. Although I'm excited to see my family and friends, in so many ways my family is here. The children don't call me Auntie anymore. They call me Nicole. They know me by my name. Some of them have even given me nicknames. They're not just faces in a picture that remind me of the "good times I had in India". They're apart of who I've become here. Each of them have a place in my heart and I will never forget them. They all have different personalities, interests and desires. The one thing they have in common is their ability to love. Although they loved me from the start and I loved them, our love has gone above one's natural ability to accept the other, our love is eternal. Our love is everlasting.

Priceless

2009-11-15T07:01:00.001-08:00

A Child's Prayer

2009-11-04T07:44:00.001-08:00

Prayer should be the key of the day and the lock of the night

Life has been crazy these past few weeks! There's never a dull moment. The other day Revathi, one of our first standard students, had a seizure. It was like nothing I had experienced before. She was standing by the water bucket and one of the house mother's was yelling her name. I approached her with Annie, an EMT, and we laid her on the ground. She was staring off into space and not responding to our questions. We asked her to squeeze Annie's hand if she could hear us and there was still no movement. The doctor was called immediately. Unfortunately he lives far away so we coped as best we could while we awaited his arrival. Annie knew exactly what to do as she laid Revathi down on her side and continually checked her vitals. Revathi threw-up a couple of times, and after about fifteen minutes of being completely unaware of her surroundings, she fell asleep. Her body was exhausted. Annie and I sat with her for the next couple of hours. Seriously, the entire experience was so surreal. My initial reaction was to freak out. I couldn't believe that this young tender child was enduring such a trial and yet she was completely unaware of what she was facing. After my freak out, which I only felt internally, externally I knew the best thing I could do was comfort her. Annie and I said a prayer and already felt reassured that everything was going to be okay. As scary as it was, all along I felt a special Spirit present, that she was being watched out for and everything was going to be alright. She's fine now. In fact she's more then fine, later that day she was in our bedroom drawing pictures and modeling henna on her hand! The night before our eventful morning I was talking to Sathiya, one of our fifth standard students, about her Mother. She told me that she had missed her Mother so much that earlier that night she was crying. The first person she turned to was her Heavenly Father. She told me that she prayed to him for comfort and that she would not be sad anymore. She said the strange part was, when she was finished with her prayer she had forgotten why she was sad and her tears were gone. Sathiya then told me that every time she coughs it's because someone is thinking about her. The rest of the night she couldn't stop coughing. She knew it was because of her prayer and although she is far away from her Mother, she is never forgotten. I've had a lot of fun lately with the girl's side of the hostel. I typically say good night to the girls and then go sit and sing with the boys, but recently I've been devoting more time to the girl's side. They always have me tell them a good night story. I've discovered my knack for creatively combining all the Disney movies into an Indian version of awesomeness. For example, I told the story of Snow White. The difference was some of the names of the seven dwarfs. One of their names was curry, I can't take credit for that one though, that all goes to the girls. Also, Snow White wears a sari to her wedding, figured that was a must! It's really fun because the girls get all technical and ask me the parent's names and who all attended the wedding. I just hope they don't ask me to repeat the same stories because I'm sure I'll forget all the made-up details! Last night we had family night on the boy's side. The objective was to draw a self-portrait that we could give to their sponsors. I drew an example self-portrait, which looked nothing like me, and then the fun began. As I walked around the three rooms to see how the boys were doing, it came to my attention that about ten of the boys were drawing pictures of me. So rather then drawing themselves, they drew pictures of a silly pale girl with messy blond hair! I really hope that their sponsors look remotely like me so that they'll think the picture is of them! It was pretty funny. The boys were so proud of their masterpieces. So my visa expired October 22, I feel like a fugitive! I drove to Chennai today with Radhika and we mailed it out to my Dad. I hope he gets it or else I'm staying in India the rest of my life! This Saturday is parent's day and sport's day. The children have been preparing for this for the past three weeks and they are totally stoked! The dilemna is the weather. It's been raining non-stop today and if it keeps on raining we're going to have to cancel the festivities. I really hope that's not the case because the children will be totally crushed. For the next and last five weeks that I'm here I will be devoting the majority of my efforts on the tutoring program. We've changed it completely from how it was during the summer and I'm so excited to see progress amongst the students.

Good Morning

2009-10-25T06:07:00.000-07:00

To forgive is the highest, most peaceful form of love. In return, you will receive untold peace and happiness.

Today we went to one of my favorite colonies, Bethal Nagar. Annie and I are helping Dr. Kumar with a new project. Six months ago he took pictures of all the patients ulcers and we are taking new pictures that show the improvement they have made. Some of the changes they've made over the past six months have been miraculous. Dr. Kumar is going to compile all of the pictures together into a book he is writing. He is such an amazing person. One of the patients was struggling with his shoe. He was unable to tighten the buckle so I pulled with all my might. Unfortunately, the buckle broke. My goodness I felt so bad! This man has nothing and I broke his everything. This was probably the only shoe he had and I broke it! I taped the buckle on and used my hairband to hold it together. About ten minutes later I noticed he was talking to Dr. Kumar. I figured he was telling him what I had done and I felt even worse. I came to help and I only made things worse. I approached them and told Dr. Kumar what had happened after the man had walked away. Dr. Kumar told me that the man had already told him everything. The man told him to not worry about it and that he didn't want Dr. Kumar to be mad at me. As I discussed the matter with Dr. Kumar the man came back and gave me a hug. He spoke little english, the only expression he knew was, "good morning", so he kept repeating it over and over again. Initially the expression was meaningless but as I reflected on it later it became very meaningful. Good morning represents a new day, a new beginning, a clean slate. He had forgiven me and within minutes we were taking pictures together and uncontrollably laughing. He was the last person to leave, he stayed to keep us company as we packed away the medical supplies. He repeatedly thanked Dr. Kumar for saving his life. Months ago he was on his death bed with no will to live and Dr. Kumar told him that there was so much to live for. He gave him hope. That is why the shoe was so insignificant to him. He had hit rock bottom and because of that he knew what was really important. A broken shoe meant nothing but a forgiving heart meant everything.

I Do

2009-10-22T06:25:00.000-07:00

Yeseterday we attended Swathy's wedding. Swathy is one of the six housemothers. In an entry previous I talked about her marriage and that it was arranged. The morning of the wedding Annie and I were bedazzled. Literally. We had the remaining housemother's standing around us, dressing us in saris and jewelry. I felt like a princess when the "project" was complete. I love dressing up around here because it happens so rarely. Typically my hair is thrown up, I don't wear make-up and the clothes I wear have stains on them from yesterdays adventures. Not for Swathy's wedding, we looked legit! It took us four hours to get there, including the car breaking down halfway there. Annie and I drove with eight male office workers. We sat in back and listened to their Tamil and laughter. It was nice to see them relax, outside of the office, and enjoy one another's company. Towards the end of the drive our General Manager, Maren, handed me the phone. Radhika had called to ask me if I would do the brides hair. I said yes. What was I thinking? I just dedicated an entire entry to my inability to braid my own hair, let alone do someone else's hair for their wedding. Weddings around here are beyond extravagant. Thirty years after their wedding, when a guest comes over for tea, the first thing they pull out is their wedding album. Oh brother, I surely got myself in a pickle. When we arrived it seemed they had forgotten about me ruining, I mean fixing, Swathy's hair. I was wrong. While they were dressing her in the wedding sari, twirling her around and moving her up and down as they pinned it down, I was busy grabbing pieces of hair and twisting them back into a half ponytail. In my head I was praying that it would turn out okay. As I tied it all back, with Radhika's help, they began to place pins and flowers into her hair. I know I had a little help because here hair looked marvelous. Now I don't want any of you calling me up to do your hair anytime soon, especially not for your wedding, but let's just say I had a lot of luck! Reflecting on the wedding I was so flattered she asked me to help. Altogether the wedding was beautiful. Swathy looked amazing. The bride and groom rarely smile and it's because the bride doesn't want to appear happy to be leaving her family. I had never really thought of it that way. I'm not even engaged and the idea of marriage makes me smile, I can't imagine maintaining a straight face on such a joyous occasion. It actually made me sad that she wasn't the least bit giddy. The next morning Annie and I left early for the largest colony Rising Star works with. Dr. Kumar assigned us to a new project. We are taking pictures of all the patients ulcers and accumulating them into their files to compare them to pictures taken six months ago. Dr. Kumar is compiling the pictures together for a book he is writing and he is using the pictures to demonstrate the progress the patients have made. For some of them the progress was extraordinary. Some had ulcers six months ago that were the size of my fist and now they are completely healed. It's truly such an honor to have the opportunity to witness these miracles. We had a lot of fun with the patients today. I got one of them to show me his dance moves. I'm excited to go to a dance when I return to BYU, I've learned so many new moves here! My favorite move is the "fan". It's where you dance around while fanning yourself off cause it's so dang hot! At the end of our visit Dr. Kumar took us inside the old people's home so he could take out some stitches. The woman was bit by a goat and one of her friends sewed up the gash with a needle and thread meant for clothing. Right then I reminisced on all the stitches I've had throughout my life and how grateful I am that they were done by a doctor! These people are amazing. I love it here.

The Braid

2009-10-19T09:50:00.000-07:00

The beginning of love is to let those we love be perfectly themselves, and not to twist them to fit our own image. Otherwise we love only the reflection of ourselves we find in them.

Yesterday the children returned to the hostile. Most were happy to be back but some of them had a really hard time leaving their parents. Sincerely I can't imagine seeing my parents only once a month as a child. As heartbreaking as it is, I know that living conditions at the hostile far exceed many of the homes the children come from. Today was much better because they adjusted fast and are back in the swing of things. This morning Annie and I went to a colony. We didn't get to wash feet but this gave us the opportunity to walk around and meet people. An adorable elderly woman approached me and turned me around. I was so confuzed, I thought maybe it was some kind of ritual, to meet someone and then turn their back to you! She then grabbed my hair and took out the elastic and loosened my braid. Pulling me back enough that she could reach the top of my head, she rebraided my hair and then planted a huge kiss on my cheek. I learned two things from this woman. One, I'm a terrible braider. Two, acceptance. Despite our inability to communicate, language barrier is a huge bummer, and despite our huge age difference, she approached me and loved me. When I said goodbye she gave me a hug and giggled. Her happiness was contagious. All my life I've tried so hard to be accepted. For example, in high school I joined the cheerleading team (for a week) to up my "cool" points and yet I never felt entirely accepted. I tried so hard to fit in. I've decided no one really feels accepted at that age, no matter how accepted they look externaly. That's the irony. For the first time in my life I'm not trying to be accepted and I am. I'm not only accepted but I'm loved. I'm not loved for my talents but for my character. Back home I was often acknowledged for my achievements. Here it doesn't matter if I'm a collegiate athlete or a renouned artist, title's are insignificant. Speaking of art, I'm an awful artist. I can barely draw identifiable stick figures without someone asking what it is I've drawn. The children love my art. They ask me to draw them pictures all the time and they complement every picture I draw. I doubt they think my drawings are superb but I think they love them because I drew something for them. Something for them to keep for themselves. Now that I'm back at Rising Star I'm realizing how much I missed the children over the two week holiday. I'm thinking I'm going to need to buy a much bigger suitcase so I can bring some of them back with me to America. Amierca. Wow. I go home in two months. Time has flown by. Slow down. Please.

The Rat

2009-10-15T22:04:00.000-07:00

The reason people find it so hard to be happy is that they always see the past better than it was, the present worse than it is, and the future less resolved than it will be.

I'm back! I'm finally home. Rising Star is so empty, the children get back tomorrow! So, back to our travels. The ashram. The first day was a day of rest. Upon returning to our room after lunch Annie noticed that her bandanna, that was filled with seeds, was missing and her seeds were scattered all over the floor. It was then that we knew we had a furry friend in our mist. I walked into the bathroom and there he was, the size of a ferret, climbing up our wall. That was when the battle began. That evening Annie and I joined the Gurus in chanting and prayers. It was so hard to sit still. I've always had a hard time with being still, I'm one to tap my foot or click my pen, always fidgeting, but my movement was not because of my usual habits, it was because Annie and I were attacked my mosquitoes. I'm not talking one or two bites on your thigh, I'm talking perverted mosquitoes that clearly wanted to humiliate us in front of the Gurus. You may be thrown back when I say perverted but I mean it. Annie had over 50 bites on her bum, she counted, and I had just as many on that area and my inner thigh. So, picture this, ten Gurus deep in meditation, still as can be, and then there's Annie and I swatting mosquitoes on our behinds and itching our inner thighs. Oh, it was a site to behold. I'm pretty sure the Guru's thought we were crazy! We learned our lesson and wore bug spray the rest of our stay. After a day of heat and recovery, from the bus ride and mosquito bites, I was ready to hit the sack. Annie had fallen asleep and around 10 o'clock I began to hear noises. These weren't your ordinary night noises. A little cricket here. A dog bark there. These were the noises of an Indian rat. He was on the move. The noises got closer. And closer. Until finally next thing I knew I was straddling Annie on her 3x5 foot wooden bed screaming at the top of my lungs. He had it out for me. Annie had given him seeds and I had given him nothing. He was angry and relentless. I felt so victimized. I finally laid down next to Annie, there was no way I was going to walk back over to my bed in the dark, and listened. Two minutes later I felt a tap on my back. Three taps. I told Annie to stop. As she told me she didn't do anything, I began screaming again and squeezed against her telling the rat to leave me alone, forgetting the rat doesn't speak English and that if he were to understand me I'd have to be yelling in Hindi. For the next hour we laid next to each other, screaming at every random noise we heard. Chewing. Scampering. Finally we decided to take action. We counted to three and tip-toed across the floor to the light switch. We then pushed our beds together and put the mosquito nets down, tucking them into our mattress so the rat couldn't intrude our personal space any longer. We laid in bed awake, with the light on for the rest of the night. At 4 a.m. we reunited with the Gurus for morning prayers and chanting. The prayers were beautiful. That morning Annie and I helped collect leaves on a pathway of rocks and prepare breakfast. The kitchen was very basic. Stone floor. Birds flying in and out, picking at our food. I felt like I was in a fairytale. All I needed was a talking mouse and the fairytale would be true, oh wait, I did have a talking mouse, I mean rat, living in my bedroom! After breakfast Annie and I helped in the garden. We picked weeds. I met a woman that had lived at the ashram for 65 years. Her name, translated to English, was Flower. She was absolutely adorable. I thought it was pretty cute that her name was Flower, she was working in a garden, and could not stop smiling as we spoke. At lunch we met two newcomers. They were two women from France traveling through India. It was nice having two people that could speak English. After lunch the head Guru lead Annie and I to our next task--harvesting marijuana. I'm not even kidding. He handed us stocks of marijuana and we pulled the leaves off and collected them in a basket. Let's just say the ashram was an unforgettable learning experience and I loved it! Annie and I were sure to take some leaves home with us, only for show and tell of course! From my shoes getting stolen, to lice, to gigantic rats, to the Taj Mahal, to 26 hour bus rides, to harvesting marijuana, altogether the trip was definitely a roller-coaster ride worth traveling. I learned a lot about myself and that even when things don't turn out the way you've planned, sometimes it's the unexpected that brings the most laughter. Don't get me wrong, this trip was hard at times, but it was during those moments that Annie and I were laughing the hardest. That deep belly laugh. One you don't get unless something is so over the top ridiculous that all you can do is laugh and just be grateful for who you're with and all that you have. I'm so lucky to be here and I wouldn't trade it for anything.

TII

2009-10-12T01:10:00.000-07:00

After an enjoyable stay in Jaipur we took a five hour bus back to New Delhi. We then slept over in the airport, or should I say stayed over, seeing as we didn't sleep much, and took our flight from Delhi to Mumbai in the afternoon. Mumbai was ridiculously awesome. I felt like I was back in America, in some ways. People were dressed western, while Annie and I were wearing our very Indian attire, churidars and skarves. I felt kind of silly, the Indians were dressed more American then I was, but I loved every second of it. We found a hotel right off the bat. It was located on the waterfront. Our hotel was what appeared to be an office building. We were literally sleeping in a cubicle. We could hear all the conversations of the people that surrounded us, which I didn't mind seeing as we were surrounded by cute Europeans. Love their accents! So that night we fell asleep to the sounds of European pillow talk and Indian traffic, loud honking and breaking. The next day Annie and I packed our bags and took a rickshaw to the market that we were supposed to meet for the bus. The driver dropped us off and the middle of the market and we spent the next two hours looking for the location of our bus. Tired and weary of our situation we finally found the bus station. The bus was supposed to arrive at three but it did not arrive for another hour and a half. Annie and I have developed a new saying that we bring up on almost a minutely basis. TII. This is India. My family lives in Africa and we always say TIA but the expression is just as necessary in India. The bus ride to the Ashram was supposed to take twelve hours. After a twenty-two hour journey, only stopping twice for the bathroom, Annie and I were ready to take a plane back to America. At one point during the journey I had my arm out the window and a man from the bed above me urinated. You fill in the rest. Not to mention, the night before we left Annie discovered lice in my hair. Annie has lice too. Upon our arrival in Nagpur the man sitting across from me asked what we were doing in his hometown. We told him that we were visiting the Ashram. He then informed us that the Ashram was located at the last stop we made three hours earlier. I turned to Annie and started laughing. I couldn't stop or else I'd start bawling. We got on the next but and headed back for the Ashram. We were very set on going to this Ashram because it was founded by Gandhi and how many times in our lives will we have this kind of opportunity? We finally arrived at the Ashram late that night. Finally. They did not have our reservation and so they had to make room for us in one of the workers bedrooms. The beds are made of wood and there are bugs everywhere. I love it. It's so nice to finally be stagnant and not traveling. We slept in and did our morning tasks. We were given a bucket of beans mixed with little clumps of dirt. One by one we picked out the dirt and put the clean beans in a new bucket for cooking. For lunch we had sour milk and soup. Tonight the meditation begins. My only concern is how I'm going to sit still with lice all over my head. Since I have no means for killing the lice the community of bugs is growing quite rapidly. Maybe that's what the meditation will teach me, despite the distractions that surround me, I need to be able to block everything out. The people here are so nice. Part of me wants to pull out my Book of Mormon and teach them all that I know but I feel that the language barrier would be a huge problem. Annie and I are mastering sign language amongst the people here because most don't speak English and only a few speak fragments. They are so devoted to their faith. I've grown to really respect and admire Hinduism. It is such an intricate religion but it's basic principles are so simple. I honestly believe that so many of its principles are true. Backpacking across India has been one of the most trying adventures of my life. There's no escape. At home you have a bad day and you return to your cozy bed in your house and watch a good movie or something. You escape reality, if only for a few hours, and you have the free will to face reality as soon as you choose. Here reality surrounds you. You shut your eyes for a moment and you feel reality. Lice all over your head. You hear the cars and honking all around you. You inhale and smell the Indian spices and burnt plastic. Reality is life. You have a hard day and you return to your wooden bed with dirty sheets and bucket showers of cold water. Surprisingly those moments in the shower, pouring cold buckets down my back, have become my moments of solidarity. My time to reflect and forget. I make India seem like this terrible place full of hardship and heartache, that is not my intention at all. A billion people live here, survive here. The point I'm making is that my reality in America is unlike most. My reality in America is facing trials that present themselves to me through poor choices, most of the hardship here is faced because the living conditions are so harsh. Reality here is all about survival. Not to say that living in America is easier then India, just different. It's like comparing our trials to that of the pioneers. Times now are hard and times then were hard. They are uncomparable. Life is hard for everyone. No matter how righteous you are or where you're located. That is the purpose of life. We are to be tried and tested, stengthened, so that one day we can return to our Heavenly Father. Today at the train station Annie and I were being hounded by beggars. There were three girls and they were pulling at our shirts, opening our purses, and pinching our arms. My intial reaction was to completely ignore them but they still did not stop. Finally, I took one of the girl's hands and shook it. I introduced myself. I asked her why she was not in school. Annie and I showed the girl's a clap game. To our surprise, we looked around and a crowd had gathered. It's easy to succumb and just hand beggars money but I refuse to. This only inhibits them from broadening their horizon and pursuing a new way of life. Initially it was hard for me to not give them money but I am learning that what seems like the nice thing to do in the present can sometimes hurt someone's future. Annie and I will be staying at the Ashram through Saturday and then we will return to Chennai. As excited as I am to finally be at the Ashram, my heart belongs at Rising Star. I miss it so much. I miss the kids, the volunteers and the feeling I have when I'm there. Until then, let the journey continue and the hardships roll because TII.

OWD

2009-10-04T00:46:00.000-07:00

So much has happened I don't know where to start! This past week has been crazy busy because it was the week before a two week holiday. To sum it all up, it was "super". Tuesday night we conducted a family night with the boys addressing the importance of managing money wisely. If my Mom is reading this I can see her reaction now. Laughter. Nicole, shop-a-holic Nicole, teaching kids how to manage money, I'd like to see that one. Well the lesson was a success, even if it was only to teach me a lesson or two! We made paper rupees for the children to earn through "good" behavior. We told them that they needed to respectfully keep their money safe and in two days they could go shopping. The next couple days we gathered all the nik naks possible so the boys could, for the first time, experience buying something for themselves. Annie, Maddie and I passed out wallets to all of the boys and they painted them. It was interesting to see their personalities laid out on a wallet, an empty wallet. Empty or not, these kids are far more happy then most people whose wallets are filled beyond measure. We provided paints of all colors, some chose to draw on their wallets with markers. They were ecstatic. Pravine, one of the children I admire most, got paint all over my shawl. He came up to me with watered eyes, nervous for my reaction. When he told me what he had accidentally done, I gave him a huge hug and told him "thank you" for being honest. He skipped away with his wet painted wallet. Thursday night we conducted family night for all the girls. The topic was beauty. I asked them to define beauty. They had a variety of answers. A new dress. Make-up. Nice things. Cute. Finally, I asked them what inner-beauty was. As I told them that all of these things are very beautiful, we (Matt, Annie and Maddie) described to them that true beauty is what comes from within. We discussed kind deeds. Love. Helping others. The soul. I couldn't get too deep seeing as the audience included children as young as three years old. Although their initial responses were very focused on physical beauty, they live their lives through inner-beauty. These kids have parents that don't have limbs as consequence of leprosy and infection. These kids have been ostracized by society because of external appearances. They know what inner-beauty. Uncondionally they accept their family no matter what society says. After family night with the girls, the boys shopped til they dropped. Joyce gave me ice cream that the boys could buy. The store also included erases, glow sticks, stickers, notebooks, candy, burt's bees cosmetic kits, pencils, curly straws and note cards. The boys were stoked! They were all calculating all the rupees they had, adding up the possiblities that laid before them. Despite some boys buying the more "expensive" items and some boys purchasing the "cheaper" items, it didn't matter who had what, they all had something. They, individually, earned money and did something about it. Something for themselves. Friday morning Annie, Maddie and I flew to New Delhi. We visited the Red Fort, the Qutub Minar, the Raj Ghat, and the Jama Masjid (Muslim mosque). The Red Fort was amazing. Huge. And oddly enough, red. (sarcasm). The night before we visited these sites was one of the worst nights of my life. The ongoing joke with the girls is that I have swine flu. Which I very well might but have avoided getting tested. I've had all the symptoms for about a week and have neglected them until my night from h-e-double-hockey stick. We booked a cheap hotel without air contitioning. Biggest mistake of my life. Yes, an exaggeration, but please don't repeat my mistake! Living in India you begin to think you can handle just about any living condition. I was wrong. Between being sick and staying in a room without any circulation, no windows and no airconditioning, I tossed and turned all night. That morning upon visiting the Muslim mosque my new and only shoes I brought with me were stolen. Rather then wishing for home, all I could think of was how much I missed Rising Star. To me, Rising Star is my sanctuary. My haven. My safety spot away from reality. Most of all, I miss the kids. I have a version of OCD. I call it, OWD. Obsessive Worry Disorder. Some might call it a disorder all women can potentially inherit, motherhood. Even knowing that they are home with their parents, I can't help but think about them all the time. Not one particular child but all of them. Certain things I do remind me of memories we've developed over our time together. Sitting in a rickshaw with too many people reminds me of drives home from church with Vignesh squeezed next to me on one side and Rajesh on the other, sharing my iPod and drawing pictures. Seeing the Red Fort I couldn't help but wish "big", older, Satheesh was with me, he loves to draw architecture. Seeing the children asleep on their parents laps in the park, I can't help but wish I could sing Joshua to sleep and listen to Shama's beautiful Thamil songs. Despite my yearning for reuniting with my new family, the thing that reassures me is that I will see them again. I think the only way I will be able to officially leave Rising Star is if I promise myself that I will return. Someday.

People Are People

2009-09-27T08:57:00.000-07:00

"Whatever they grow up to be, they are still our children, and the one most important of all the things we can give to them is unconditional love. Not a love that depends on anything at all except that they are our children."
Yesterday I went on a jog by myself. Anytime I jog past 6:30 a.m. I'm usually alone because no one can really stand the heat. It's pretty unbearable as early as 7:00 a.m. As I turned onto a new road a bunch of kids approached me. I figured they'd wave and I'd be on my way, obviously forgetting I'm in the land of the most friendly people I've ever met, this was reiterated as the children all began to jog with me. I think it was quite evident that I was exhausted because they even presumed to invite me into their home. Only in India. I'm going to do that one of these days back in Utah. I'll catch up with someone on a jog and then invite them to my apartment. Would that be considered creepy or kind? Here it is normal. Upon driving Spencer's Plaza, the mall, we passed an accident. The accident involved a car and a motorcycle. Motorcyclist hardly ever wear helmets and if they do it's the men that wear one. I've never seen a woman wearing a helmet. The motorcyclist was on the ground. Someone bent down to sit him up. There was blood everywhere. His head was completely gashed open. I grabbed the handle to the car door. My initial reaction was to jump out and help. The driver said no. The girl's then told me about accidents in India and that it's not safe to get involved. Typically the driver of the bigger mobile gets beat up by those that witnessed the accident. Whether or not he is actually at fault. I couldn't fathom how random citizens could just jump in and beat the living day lights out of a driver they don't even know. The volunteers told me that it's because the people have been oppressed so much throughout their lives that any opportunity to rebel they jump on it. The hardest part for me was not helping. I couldn't help but wonder who the injured man is. Is he a father? I know he's a son. Is he happy? Will he survive? Annie, our EMT, told me that I couldn't think of him that way. In the medical field I needed to view him as a "machine" with a "problem". I can't do that. As hard as I try, I can't see people for anything less then they are. If I continue to pursue medicine maybe my mentality will change, but I can't imagine so. I'm trying to find a happy median between being fully invested without getting hurt. It's too hard. I give the children my whole heart everyday. Anytime they hurt, I hurt more. Anytime they cry, I do anything I can to make their tears go away. How do I remain strong for them when internally I fall apart each time they do? Maybe it's okay to feel what they feel but it's important that I'm able to reassure them. Let them know it'll be okay. This past year, while facing a trial of my own, my Mother told me that it felt like it was almost harder for her to watch me suffer then it was for me actually experiencing the pain myself. I disagreed with her. I thought she had no idea what I'm going through, there's no way her pain can even compare to mine. It wasn't until I came here and fell in-love with one-hundred and fifty kids that I'm beginning to realize pain beyond my own hardships. Luckily I don't only feel their pain but I feel their happiness. Whenever they smile I smile. Whenever they laugh I laugh.

Unforgettable Eyes

2009-09-24T10:37:00.000-07:00

I'm sorry I've been so MIA but we had a storm last week and our internet box was struck by lightning so we didn't have internet for almost a week! My mom has a hard time living in Africa because of the time difference. She feels that by the time she gets the scoop on what's going on in our lives it happened "so long ago", yesterday, that we brush over the juicy details and she misses out. That's how I feel right now. So much has happened in the last week I don't know if I should recap in detail or just move on. I think it's important to catch you up on what's impacting the present. We have two new volunteers from Utah, Darian (eighteen from Park City), and Hillary (twenty-one from Alpine). They are the best. We clicked instantly and have all had so much fun together. At the beginning of the week we went out in the morning to fill a trench with dirt. It has a sewage pipe in it and we thought we were making some serious progress when we filled 30 meters full of dirt. Little did we know that the trench winds around the new volunteer block and apparently it's four-hundred meters long. I've decided that this hole may have to be my burial site. You'd think that filling a hole would be a lot easier then digging one, but it's not! The dirt we're filling the whole with is very hard and quite stubborn. Not to mention the cows that were digging holes in our completed part of the trench weren't much help. You'd think that the Indian heat, tough dirt and a bunch of girl's couldn't get the job done but we are determined to dominate. I definitely worked my tan that day. Churidar tans are the new thing around here. Speaking of tans, last weekend we went to Mamallapuram beach and swam in the Bay of Bengal. It was such a blast. Between you and me, Annie and I managed to go skinny dipping. It's a goal of hers to skinny dip in every body of water she visits throughout her life. Rather then hold her back I decided to join in and make it one of my goals! It was quite an adrenaline rush when a bunch of German men approached us, but thank goodness we were decent in time! It's so nice meeting "foreigners" around here. In America you meet people from all over the world all the time but here it's unique to meet people, outside of Rising Star, that are from different countries. Earlier this week we had the water war of the century. The boys and girls have separate play times, so we first began the war with the boys. No offense but their war was quite pathetic. To call it a war is simply talking it up to more then it really was. I got hit by one balloon. Wimpy. I know. The real war began with the girl's. Our tactics needed to be different. The problem with the boys was that they were each given one balloon so they guarded their balloons with their lives. The balloon became a prized possession and once it was broken they had nothing to protect. We needed to show the girls the insignificance of the balloons and the opportunity they had to stop being so "girly" and have some fun! As the girls were all in line to get their balloons, Hillary, Annie, Darian and I filled buckets full of water and poured it all over them. The war had begun. From that moment on I don't remember a second where I wasn't dodging a balloon, covering my head from a bucket that was pouring water all over my body or running as fast as I could from twenty girl's chasing me at full speed. My cheeks hurt from smiling so much. We even got the staff involved. The staff here are extremely proper and always dressed nicely for work. It was nice to see them let loose and play with the children. We even got the General Manager soaked! I'd never seen him laugh so hard. Today we went to one of my favorite colonies, Badallapuram. This is the colony that Arumagam was from. Because we have a couple of new volunteers here, it was important that they had the opportunity to wash the patient's feet so I was able to work with Dr. Kumar. One of the patient's was missing all of his toes except his big toe. His big toe was twice the size of your "normal" toe. Dr. Kumar showed me an x-ray and pointed out a couple of breaks he had throughout the course of his life. These fractures filled themselves with fluid, resulting in an extraordinarily large toe. The problem is that the toe can only grow so much before Dr. Kumar will have to amputate it. I asked if he could use a cane to prevent the pressure from being so great on his toe and Dr. Kumar told me that he doesn't want to live life with a cane. He would rather walk on his own. Initially I thought, how stubborn. I'm realizing the difference between being stubborn and simply having the desire to live life fully. He just wants to be independent. What is so hard amongst the older patients is that once they've broken a bone, they are unable to get around, alike what happened to Arumagam. This debilitates them completely. Often times leaving them at their death bed, unable to live fully. I also met a woman that has not been able to blink her eyes for forty years. Her eye lids are paralyzed and she lives life, night and day, with open eyes. I can't imagine, especially in India where the dirt is always flying around, not being able to shut your eyes. A simple thing. A thing I take for granted and I've never imagine living life without. I close my eyes during the scary part of a movie. When the sun's in my eyes. While asleep. During a sweet kiss. She has to put eye drops in her eyes every fifteen minutes to prevent her eyeballs from drying out completely. It's a miracle she's not blind from the wear and tear of life and never closing her eyes. Although it's been such a trial for her, in someways her eyes are a blessing to the world, I will never forget them. They were a gorgeous blue, unlike any I'd ever seen. The most unforgettable part was her smile. Despite her hardship, she still smiled.

Sari

2009-09-14T06:28:00.000-07:00

"A friend is someone who understands your past, believes in your future, and accepts you just the way you are."

The children have exams the next two weeks. This means that I won't be able to tutor everyday. Ron and Joyce decided to send Annie and I on a new assignment. Okay, let's reword that, assignment makes me feel like I'm in school and for the first time in my life since I was five years old I am not in school, so let's call it our new "mission". Our new "mission" is to travel around southern India, touring all the popular sites, and taking note of all the activities we'd find the volunteers enjoying. As we do all of these trips we are gathering all of our ideas and information into a brochure that the upcoming volunteers can use to guide them to all the worthwhile spots! Our "mission" began today. We visited Kanchipuram, otherwise known as the "City of 1000 Temples". Kanchipuram is also famous for its silk saris, which are hand woven. Kanchipuram is one of the oldest cities in Southern India, and was a city of learning for both Tamil and Telugu, and was believed to be visited by Xuanzang (Hsuan Tsang). The city was absolutely stunning. First we visited a sari shop. The saris ranged from 5000 rupees-60,000 rupees. The one that was 60,000 rupees was so delicate and extravagant. As pretty was it was I'd be nervous wearing it, I feel like I wouldn't be comfortable because the whole time I'd be worried about getting it dirty! After viewing the saris, we went deep within the village to little homes that had people weaving the saris. It was unbelievable. It takes them an average of fifteen days to make one sari. Honestly, I have a new respect for all saris because I now know what it takes to bring them to life. All I know is it would take all my life to make one! The work was so detailed and time-consuming. After learning about saris, we visited Kanchi temple. It was the prettiest temple I've visited since I've been in India. It was made of stone, engraved in 1811. That's what blew me away, it's so old and yet one of the most beautiful architectural designs I've ever seen. As enjoyable as the trip was, it wasn't only the site-seeing that made it so great. Annie and I traveled with one of RSO's office workers, Vikram, and a driver named TJ Kumar. Vikram is twenty-five years old and TJ is twenty-two. We asked them so many questions about Hinduism and the Indian culture. For a moment I felt like I was back in the States on a roadtrip with a bunch of my friends. We discussed the difference between love marriages and arranged marriages. Although I could never support arranged marriages, I am gaining such a respect for them and the Indian culture.

Love Letters

2009-09-11T03:08:00.000-07:00

In this life we cannot do great things. We can only do small things with great love. - Mother Teresa
Today Annie and I went to one of the poorest colonies. It was unbelievable how dirty it was. Sitting down I had hundreds of flies all over my body. I had to really focus on the love I felt, looking deep into each person's eyes, in order to avoid the distractions that surrounded me. Despite the harsh conditions they live in, the colonist all seemed happy going about their daily routines. I met three girls, two are married with children. One of the girls was nineteen with a baby girl that she was trying to rock to sleep. I felt so bad for her. She was a teenager in an arranged marriage with a baby. Honestly I could not imagine the life she lives. It's people like her I admire most. Why is it that often we most admire the movie stars, celebrities, athletes, etc. when what they do doesn't compare to the lives that these people lead. Their, the celebrities, lives are acknowledged, they're appreciated for all that they're do. They are constantly reminded of their status and popularity. What about the people that make life-altering sacrifices on a daily basis? That is far more admirable to me. What about the people that have nothing but are happier then those that have everything? That is far more heroic to me. It was so cute, Velammal, the head housemother, approached me today with a "serious dilemma". She's an older lady and feared by many because of her position and class. She exemplifies tough love, always expecting the best of all the children. She lifted up her sari and showed me her stomach. She asked me, "Nicole, how do I get rid of this?". It was so cute to me and honestly a little flattering that she would lower her walls and talk to me as though we were the best of friends. I did not expect this at all. I laid on my back and demonstrated a sit-up. She then asked me what time of day she should do these "crazy" exercises. After discussing, in detail, ways to get toned abs, she asked me if she was fat. As I told her that she was beautiful and that she was not fat, the smile that formed across her face lit up the entire room. It was as though no one had ever told her how beautiful she is. Initially I felt surrounded by people I loved, now I'm loving the friendships that are growing each day. Almost on a daily basis the kids give me love letters. These love letters are folded into different shapes and sometimes they are cut into the shape of a heart. The children draw pictures and write words of gratitude and love on them. I told one of the house mothers that I value these letters more then anything I have in my room. It's the time and effort the kids put into these letters that touches my heart so deeply. One of the boys I adore the most gave me a love letter in the shape of a hand. He didn't have scissors so he tore it. I could tell it took him a long time. In the palm of the hand he wrote, "I love you Nickol". I stuck this particular love note in my scriptures. Most of them I have collected in a bag in my room. When I get home I plan to make a scrapbook of them. I've received letters all my life, but these letters exemplify love far more then any card you can buy at Walmart.

The Love of a Sister

2009-09-09T07:35:00.000-07:00

“To have a loving relationship with a sister is not simply to have a buddy or a confident -- it is to have a soulmate for life.” -Victoria Secunda
I have not mentioned the guests that arrived this past week. Toni, the most down-to-earth person I have ever met, is staying at Rising Star so she can get a feel for the Indian culture. She has written many novels, award-winning novels, and her most recent novel takes place in India. Sharon, one of the founders of Rising Star, is a spiritual giant. We have had so many deep conversations and she has really stimulated my mind and strengthened my testimony. She's a convert to the Church. Her conversion story re-converted me. Truly a phenomenal person and heart. Joined the Church two years before her husband but committed herself to it because she knew it was true. What an example she is to those around her. Sharon and Toni leave this week. The third person to arrive is Annie. She's staying through November. She's sixteen and from Springville. I'm really excited she's staying. She's an EMT and will probably be helping with the medical van a lot! So, this morning Radhika, teacher, and Lucy, volunteer, showed me a picture that one of our boys drew. Sanjay is a very, let's just say, anatomically correct artist. (Well, for the most part.) The funny part is, we had this picture hung up on our wall in the kitchen for an entire day before we noticed the "specific" features. Oh, I just love it around here. There's never a dull moment! Today we went to Arumagam's colony to put a picture of him on the wall in the art building and to honor the life he lived. One of the women was very emotional and with the little English she knew she told me of the wonderful man he was. Tonight Toni took pictures of Aravind and Amoda as a potential cover to her book. She had them holding hands and walking together. Even without being here and knowing these two siblings, in the pictures that were taken it is obvious the love they have for one another. I even handed Amoda a cracker and without hesitation she split it in half to share with her younger brother, giving him the bigger piece. You know life is wonderful when the most influential example around you is that of a 4-year-old. The greatest gift one can give another is love. Why is it so natural for children? Why do we build walls and forget our capacity to love with age? That is the desire of my heart. I desire to love everyone like Amoda loves her brother. I desire to love.

Happy 50th Birthday Dad!

2009-09-04T03:23:00.000-07:00

Dad,

Thanks for all that you do. Hope all of your wishes come true.
I'm posting this early so Jason can see it. My brother leaves for the MTC on the same day my dad turns half a century old, I mean young!

p.s. Jason, Mom emailed me your farewell talk. You did a great job!

Parent's Day

2009-09-03T20:13:00.001-07:00

Saturday was parent's day. Most of the kids' parents and/or other family members came to reunite with their children. Parent's day is once a month. It's a huge deal around here! It was kind of a bitter/sweet for me. Sweet in the sense that so many kids were ecstatic to be with their loved ones but bitter for the children who had no one. I know I shouldn't have "favorites" but my heart has a special place for two of our children. Aravind and Amoda. They are brother and sister. Their mom was killed by their father in an "accidental" fire in the kitchen. Aravind watched his father pour the gasoline all over his mother and light the match. He is four years old and his sister, Amoda, is five. In the morning before his father had arrived Aravind was very upset, nervous that no one was going to come. As the bus pulled up, Amoda screamed out, "my mommy is here", and sprinted to greet the bus. Unfortunately her Mother is gone forever. Typically Aravind, by nature, is a happy little fella. That's probably why I enjoy playing with him so much. He's not a complainer and loves to smile. He's easy-going. Today he was anything but himself. As tears began to fall down his face, I had to hold mine back, I needed to be strong. Another child's grandmother took Aravind and Amoda to her mat on the ground and shared her lunch with them. This is one aspect of the Indian culture that I hope to take home with me, unity amongst the community. The children here truly are raised by the village. Aravind was distracted from his emotions temporarily, as he enjoyed his food with another family. That afternoon Padma arrived. She came baring sad news. She told me she was late to parent's day because Arumagam had passed away. Words can not describe the feelings that flooded my body. Although overwhelmed with heartache, part of me was grateful he was in a better place, reunited with his wife and child he had lost so many years ago. Again, feeling grateful for my knowledge of the afterlife, and for the joy he must feel. Feel. He can feel again. I can't wait to see him after this life, no language barrier, just me and him. Maybe by then my singing voice will be more then just screeches and I can sing for him again. What a tender mercy to have met such an exemplary man at the end of his life. I was never able to tell him that his picture hung in my apartment this entire year. I was not able to tell him the hope he gave me when I was down and in need of the light. For him I will live on and try to have the endurance and desire he had. Peace be with you my friend, Arumagam.

Humility

2009-09-03T19:49:00.000-07:00

Things have been crazy around here the past couple of days! On Wednesday I taught class with Kristin again and the students were awesome. They participated and enjoyed the lesson. That night, all the volunteers went out to dinner. A real treat around here is a dish called perrotta. Perrotta is kind of like a layered tortilla, but much greasier and much more scrumptious! You eat it with your right-hand, (to use your left-hand for really anything other then going to the restroom is considered rude), and the perrotta always comes with an assortment of sauces. Yesterday, Kristin, Tom and I went to visit Arumagam. He seemed low in spirits. I wish I could take away his pain, but all I can do is comfort him with my touch. Padma Venkataraman, the daughter of former India President R. Venkataraman, met with Ron and Joyce. Padma has long been a leading figure in the national fight against leprosy and its resulting stigma. She handles all of Rising Star Outreach's micro-finance projects in the colonies. Basically, she's my idol. She asked that Tom and I meet her after her meeting with Ron and Joyce. She thanked us for caring for Arumagam and gave us a gift. I couldn't believe it. I'm just some random volunteer that helped one man in need, and she, the woman who has saved thousands of people's lives, was thanking me! Unbelievable. What a humble woman. Tom, Lucy and I drove with Padma back to her house just outside of Chennai. It was a 2 hour drive so I was able to listen to more of her stories. I know that I'm an "adult" by age, but, when I "grow-up" I want to be just like her! She doesn't only help people by her actions but she changes people's lives through her example.

Super

2009-09-01T05:53:00.000-07:00

Don't waste your life in doubts and fears: spend yourself on the work before you, well assured that the right performance of this hour's duties will be the best preparation for the hours or ages that follow it.
Ralph Waldo Emerson

Ron and Joyce Hanson

My cheeks hurt from smiling so much today. The day started off slow because three of our volunteers returned from a week long trip, so we spent the morning catching them up on last weeks adventures. This afternoon I taught third standard again. Kristin, one of the volunteers, helped me. Okay, I admit, she basically taught the class. So, I guess I helped her? Truly, she has such a gift with kids. She's a teacher in "real life" so I think part of it is her experience, but she genuinely is so great at capturing her audience. I learned a lot from her today. Once class got out, the younger children returned to the hostile and joined me on the playground. We had a blast! Peter, one of the most darling 4-year-olds I've ever met, is such a character. He came up to me swinging a twig in my face, threatening me in Thamil. Then he'd climb up on the bench and fell backwards to the ground. Oh, how dramatic! I can see it now, Peter, center stage, all eyes on him, standing ovation as he bows to the audience. All these children are so talented. After playtime with the younger children, we all gathered at the school and celebrated Ron's 72nd birthday. So unlike most 72-year-olds, who are retired and liven the good life, Grandpa (his name to the children), spent his birthday in India surrounded by 172 smiling kids. He's such an inspirational man. He and his wife, Joyce, are such an example to me. Even in their old age, they dedicate their lives to serving others. I hope to one dedicate my life entirely to serving others with my cute hubby, and let me tell you, he's going to be such a cutie! Later in the evening we had family night. This is one of my responsibilities here at RSO, I conduct family night three nights of the week, two groups at a time. Usually I do a group and Tom does a group. Tonight we discussed goals and the importance of taking steps towards accomplishing our goals. Some of them shared their goals, to become a doctor, a soldier, a teacher. The best part is, I know they can become anything they want to be, as long as they believe. After family night, one of the boys came up to me and told me I did a "super" job. Super is one of the kindest words one can say to another here in India. Wikipedia doesn't do the word justice. It basically means every good word in the dictionary combined into one-super. So when he told me my lesson was "super", I left with a huge grin on my face. Yes, I got through to someone! After family night, Shaktivel, one of the most adorable little boys I've ever met, was bumped in the face by another boys head when we were doing yoga and gashed his lip open. I felt an inner-pain for him, a pain that I had only really felt when my family was hurt. I loved him like my little brother. Like a mother loves her young. He is apart of my family. Apart of me. I wished that I was the one hurt. I wished that the pain would leave him. He handled it like such a stud. Shakrivel hopped in the sink and started scooping water with his bare hands, rinsing the wound out. All I know is that if this had happened to me, I'd be laying on the floor whimpering, "save me, I'm dying!". But no, not Shakrivel. He's had to grow-up at a young age. He's independent, he's experienced far worse. This was no problem. I gave him a bottle of water with Gatorade powder mixed in. When he went to sleep I sat next to him and tickled his head, one of my favorite things to do to help the kids fall asleep, and he sat up and told me he was okay and that I should get some rest. So, in pain, no parents there to comfort him, and looking out for my well-being. Can I take this boy home with me? I mean really, he is such a cutie-pie. He is super.

Just Laugh

2009-08-31T10:07:00.000-07:00

Laugh Often. Dream big. Reach for the Stars.
Today was very hard for me. I taught third standard social studies. Their teacher has been sick for about a week so I have been substitute teaching. It's hard because I'm trying to make the transition from super fun volunteer that has all the energy in the world because I'm only here for three weeks, to a more permanent and respected position. Class was challenging because the students are so used to being playful with me, that sitting quietly in their desk is out of the question. I kept on having to raise my voice to get their attention, and I just didn't feel that I was getting through to them. This isn't some rich American school where so often opportunities are handed to them and if they "mess up", Daddy can donate a new pillar to the University and they're in. If these kids want to succeed they have to stand out, work hard. They have to be the best the can be. There's no slacking off. No second chances. This is it. Rising Star is their opportunity to excel. This is why it's so important to me that they give it their all. No one can invalidate a diploma. You either have one or you don't. If they want to attend a University, if they want to live a different life then their parents, they have to believe in themselves. Leaving class I felt like such a failure. Sure, they copied down all the information their teacher wanted me to give them, but did they retain any of it? The hard part is the school system. The structure of the academia here is based entirely on one's ability to memorize. Multiplication. Story problems. Poetry. Everything is memorized and very little is explained. To me, our minds are like sponges. In order to retain information, it must be absorbed. To memorize and not comprehend what you are memorizing is very short-term. I want them to remember what they learn years from now. Most of them will forget me and my time here, but if I could leave them with anything, I want them to remember their self-worth and the importance of education. I too need to stop taking education for granted, and I need to take my studies more seriously. I'm one of those ungrateful American's that has always had everything handed to me. It's kind of sad that I had to move to India to truly understand the blessings I've had throughout my life that I've never expressed gratitude for. Upon returning to the hostile, I read for hours. I'm reading Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert. Spectacular novel. Highly recommended. The author leaves her life in the fast-lane to experience pure pleasure in Italy, India and Indonesia. She's helped me reevaluate my life and opened my eyes to the pleasures that surround me. Back at home I found pleasure in athletics, social outings, school, boys, working hard, success, always doing something. My friends make fun of my inability to sit still. India has challenged me to meditate. To sit with my emotions. To feel beneath my skin. The only beauty I saw in myself was in my successes, my resume, my accomplishments. I don't have a diving board here. There aren't any boys to impress. I'm not taking classes. It's just me. Amy Antonelli, one of the directors of RSO, challenged the volunteers to redefine beauty. Each day beauty evolves around me. It used to be based on how tan I was, or how skinny my jeans made me look. I can't remember the last time I looked in the mirror and critiqued myself. I don't have time to tear myself down, I'm too busy building others up. The children have brought me a new sense of purpose. They've taught me what is really important in life. Critiquing myself has been one of my greatest trials. I was never enough. I wasn't perfect. I'm still not but recently I've been appreciating my imperfections and it's because of the examples that surround me. I wish I could teach the children as much as they are teaching me. Oh how I wish. Despite feeling a little bit down today, I realized what I really needed was a good laugh. Radhika, one of the American teachers, has become one of my closest friends out here. Tonight we were looking at pictures together and a huge frog jumped in the room. No, as Radhika put it, it was the size of an "ant-eater". This frog was ginormous. She screamed and ran into her room, locking the door. I kid you not, I laughed for twenty minutes. Once I started I couldn't stop. I know, sounds silly, but I really just needed to laugh. For a moment I forgot where I was and felt like I was a kid again, laughing from deep within my belly, with no worries in the world.

The Seeds

2009-08-30T09:37:00.000-07:00

Ron, Joyce, and I attended Swathi's (house mother) engagement this morning. We're not talking your typical down on one knee, profess your true-love, heart-felt engagement. This was quite the opposite. Swathi was arranged to marry a man she met three months ago. Today the two families joined together as the future bride and groom exchanged rings. They also exchanged gifts; a sari for a new shirt. Then, the parents argued over when the wedding will take place. It saddened me that they are not in-love but I was relieved to observe that Swathi's fiance seems very kind. Joyce offered a beautiful prayer at the beginning of the event, praying that they might respect and love one another. A debatable issue in the Indian culture is the lack of respect men have for women. Often times men can be very abusive, verbally and physically. It is culturally acceptable to look down upon women. Not that this is only a problem in India. Thankfully, the children at Rising Star are taught to love one another, no matter the sex. Many of them have been ostracized from society because their relatives have leprosy, consequentially the humility they have unites them. Cute little side note. Tonight I went upstairs to visit the boy's hostile and they all had a handful of seeds. Mind you, they're all starving and they only get a small ration before dinner. Let's just say I was bombarded. All of the boys ran up to me, pulling seeds out of their pockets, and started putting them in my mouth. That's right. Not only did they give me their snack, but they fed me. To be completely honest, I didn't enjoy the seeds entirely, but it was one of those moments where you do it because you're so flattered by the gesture. Let me tell you, I made it look like it was the most delicious snack I'd ever eaten. They were totally thrilled. For some odd reason the children think I am talented in all aspects. I think it's because so many talented volunteers have worked with the children that they mix us all up. Sathya asked me if I'd choreograph a dance for her and the girl's to preform on parent's day next month. The last dance I preformed was in the eighth grade. Traumatizing. I was doing a round off back handspring and my pants fell down. Mind you, eighth grade, back when you are already insecure and awkward, my pants falling down, in front of my entire middle school, was a cheery on top of it all. Point is. I have blocked out the memory of dancing publicly for many years. It's one of those, maybe if I pretend it didn't' happen, I'll forget it ever did. Nope. I remember, and now I need to face my fear! Time to pop lock and drop it. The girls seem pretty stoked. Although today was wonderful, I couldn't help feeling a little bit sad. My younger brother, Jason, had his farewell back in Palo Alto, California. This is where I grew up. He leaves for Brasilia, Brazil on September 9, my Dad's 50th birthday. It's kind of a bitter-sweet. I'm so excited for him. Not that I'm biased or anything, but he truly will be the best missionary. My brother Jason is different from any boy I've met his age. He's mature beyond his years. I wish I could be more of an example to him, but I have genuinely always looked up to him and his example. I love him so much and can't wait to reunite with him in two short years.

The Mission

2009-08-30T02:27:00.000-07:00

Rising Star Outreach Mission

Our mission is to help the Leprosy colonies become thriving, self-sufficient communities.

We are accomplishing this through three major initiatives:

to educate the colony children in a safe, healthy environment
to provide leprosy patients with their own small businesses using micro-finance
to address the unique health challenges of the colonies with mobile medical units

Leprosy is curable. Rising Star Outreach seeks to defeat it. Even so, people who have contracted leprosy must often spend their lives completely isolated from society, although they may have been cured.

They, and members of their families, sometimes find it impossible to marry, receive education or find work. An estimated 100 million people worldwide are victims of this discrimination. In India there are over 700 "leprosy colonies" where the stigma of leprosy is inevitably perpetuated.*

If caught early enough, Leprosy can be stopped before it ravages a body and ruins a life.

*(Public Health News, January 27, 2007)

Heaven on Earth

2009-08-30T02:13:00.000-07:00

Sponsor a child. Make a difference. Change a life. Forever.

Click on this link and select the child you would like to sponsor...
http://www.risingstaroutreach.org/sac
We can stop the curse...

Unconditional Love

2009-08-29T07:56:00.000-07:00

Intense love does not measure, it just gives -Mother Teresa
We, Rhadika, Tom and I, returned to visit Arumagam. Rhadika came with us to translate and dance. She grew up in California and has studied ancient Indian dances throughout her life. She's amazing! Arumagam looked even more alive today. After bathing him we sat and enjoyed one another for about an hour as Arumagam told us about his life. He was married for ten years and his wife and child died during child labor. He has lived a stable life, self-reliant and happy. At eighty-one years of age I'd have to say he's done spectacular. He paints and sells his art to make a living. That is how his colony sustains itself. There are many talented artists that paint and sell their work for a reasonable profit. It wasn't until his accident that he has been unable to rely on his talents. Upon leaving, Arumagam's friend told us that the heaven's pour down happiness each time we visit. It's so amazing how appreciative people are for the smallest acts of kindness. It reminds me of Mother Teresa's quote, "there are many people who can do big things, but there are few people who will do the small things". So often I feel inadequate in this evolving world, unable to make a difference. I'm beginning to realize that sometimes the biggest difference made is in the smallest acts of love. Speaking of love, I experienced a new kind of love tonight. One of our little girls, Mary, has a bacterial growth on her scalp. It developed a few weeks ago and they shaved all her long beautiful locks of hair off so that the sores could begin to heal. Initially we did not know what was wrong with her skin so this afternoon we took her to the hospital. The doctor explained that the bacteria is highly contagious and that no one is to touch her face or head for the next few weeks. She is to wash her hair twice a day and apply ointment on her scalp and beneath her nose to prevent the bacteria from spreading to her face. Honestly, as ashamed as I am to say, I feel that a month ago I would've wanted to avoid all contact with this beautiful 5-year-old. I feel as though I would've thought about me, and how I could avoid getting infected. How selfish. I'm sorry. Not that I've transformed to this amazingly selfless person, but love has won me over. The children I play with everyday have become my family. I would do anything for them. On the drive home I sat in the back of the car with Mary on my lap, facing me. Her head rested on my face. Asleep. How could anyone not want to hold her during her time of need, her loneliest hour? How grateful I am that I could be there, to make her feel loved, important . It was hard to make my decision to stay here. So much of me felt obligated to either attending school or serving a mission, that if I wasn't completing either of those I was wasting time. Staying here was probably the best decision I have made in my entire life. Words cannot describe the experiences I am having and the ways I have changed. Love has been redefined for me. My heart has been opened. Unconditionally.

The Monkeys

2009-08-28T02:08:00.001-07:00

This afternoon I was tutoring the sixth standard students in the mango grove and a family of monkeys approached us. They were playing in a tree next to the pathway and Nagaraj, one of the children, came walking up the path. Raj, one of the students I was tutoring, yelled out to him, "the monkeys are coming"! Nagaraj quickly adjusted his leisurely stroll to a full-out sprint. I've never seen anyone move so fast in my life. All of us busted out laughing. Last week I had the opportunity to go to Dr. Kumar's wedding. He is the doctor that visits all the colonies and treats all the children. His wedding was so lavish. Weddings in India are kind of a big deal. (Like, a bigger deal then Ron Burgundy). Joyce, one of the on-campus director's, told me that a friend of hers spent half a million dollars on their wedding. Often people go into life-long debt in order to throw the most decadent wedding possible. She also told me that years after their wedding they love to show their guests pictures from the event; it really is the most grandeur day of their lives. Dr. Kumar and his wife did not smile in their pictures. Marriages are arranged here. Luckily they knew each other years before the engagement and they are actually quite fond of each other. For having the lowest divorce rate in the world, it impresses me that Hindus are not only arranged but able to endure. During play-time, recess, I had another makeover. Not that I've let myself go here, but with all the makeovers the kids and housemothers give me, I'm starting to think there's something wrong with my appearance! I had six girls surrounding me; all of them pulling at a section of my hair. Some did braids, others created knots. Final product: what appeared to be a bird's nest upon my head. Of course, to not offend my dear friends, I kept my hair up all night, including my trip to a Hindu temple. I went with Radhika (one of the American teachers), Vellamal (house mother), and Tom (American). Radhika and Vellamal are both Hindu. Tom and I are both members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. We took off our shoes at the entrance of the temple. The carvings and architecture were very extravagant. Despite the beauty of the temple, all I could feel was gratitude for the temples we have in the Mormon faith. They are so clean. So pure. So right. I tried my best to be reverent and in-tune with the prayers that were being said, but the warm "fuzzy" feeling was not there. After exiting the temple, Vellamal fell to her knees in prayer. When she stood up she had a tear falling down her face. She told me she felt "satisfied". Although, content she was satisfied, I wanted to tell her she could feel so much more. The Gospel gives us so more then satisfaction. To me, satisfaction is settling. Ordinary. Why not feel the extraordinary? Joy.

The Stranger

2009-08-27T01:30:00.000-07:00

It is not the magnitude of our actions but the amount of love that is put into them that matters - Mother Teresa
Arumagam, my new friend, was full of hope today. His friend translated and told us that yesterday he had no hope but today he was happy. We gave him a sponge bath and put ointment on his sores. I styled his hair into a mo-hawk and he chuckled. Later that day I was reflecting on our visit and I realized that Arumagam has been apart of my life far longer then I had thought. My twin sister, Meghan, visited India last summer and gave me a picture she had taken. The picture is of a man standing with his hands in prayer. He has a white beard and the most kind eyes I have ever seen. It was the eyes I remembered most. It didn't hit me yesterday because his eyes were different, not full of light, as he laid in his sorrow, hopeless. Today the connection was made. When the hope had returned. This picture hung in my bathroom this entire year. It brought me hope and reminded me to be thankful for the things that I had; the stranger in the photo had nothing. The stranger that comforted me this entire year was Arumagam. Later in the day I returned to the hostile and taught third standard (third-grade) social studies. I've had the opportunity to teach a lot this week because one of the teachers has been sick. I absolutely love it! I definitely have a new appreciation for teachers. Seriously, I applaud you all! That night I had Kala, one of the house mother's, search my hair for lice. After losing half of my hair through the combing process, I remember thinking, "next time I'll ask someone else". A second after I thought that, she was done and I regretted that thought completely. I looked in the mirror and she had braided my hair. It looked the best it has in months. Not only had she taken the time to search through my hair for the lice, but she had fixed it in a rockin up-do! Five minutes late she brought me a pair of earrings to wear. This woman has nothing and she gave me one of her few possessions. Unbelievable. As if the day hadn't of been amazing enough, that evening I was touched again. Shama, another housemother, is twenty-six and one of the most beautiful women I have ever met. No description could do her physical beauty justice and her internal beauty far exceeds that of her outer. She is genuinely the kindest person I have ever met. She dedicates her life to the children. Anyways, she's been teaching me Thamil in exchange for English. After our lesson she laid her head on my shoulder and we talked. I wouldn't go so far as to say I'm alone out here, I'm surrounded by people that I love, but it was in that moment that I felt the beginning of one of the greatest friendships I will ever have.

The Kiss

2009-08-26T06:54:00.000-07:00

Loneliness is the most terrible poverty -Mother Teresa
I've never had a blog before so please bare with me. I'm currently in India and I figured this would be the best way to keep my family and close friends updated! Although I should probably give a background as to why I am in India and what I am doing, I'll save that for later. I'd rather talk about the important "stuff". Today I visited a man in a leprosy colony that was sick beyond the imaginable. Not only has he endured through the emotional and physical pain of leprosy but he had recently been hit by a car. Already ostracized by society because of his sickness, he was now banned from every hospital because no one wanted to treat him. I lifted up his undergarments and saw the damage the accident had caused. Noticing the missing toes because of the leprosy his body had been fighting for many years, my eyes traced up his emaciated leg to his hip bone that was protruding through his side. He winced in pain and put his hands together in prayer, thanking me for just being there. All he needed was someone by his side. Unable to bathe for weeks, all I could smell was his sorrow. I began to cry. I couldn't help myself. His heart was so tender. His spirit was so kind. He barely had the energy to put his hands together and yet he did in prayer. We said a prayer together and when my eyes opened his eyes were filled with joy. Right then I know he felt the Lord's love. Right then I know I felt His unconditional love. One of the men at the colony informed me that my new friend's family would not help him and preferred he die alone and soon. Alone. That word gives me the chills. Ironically, despite his families wishes, he will never be alone. He knew that too. As I said my goodbye, I kissed his hands, and he took mine and lifted them to his face. With tears in his eyes, he kissed me goodbye. This kiss was unlike any other I had ever experienced. For him it may be his last. For me, it was one that far surpassed any other. This kiss was a gift to me. It was all he had to offer. I will never forget it.